


Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack almost taken seriously, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pervkashi, Saneman!Sasuke, bored!Naruto, lolita!Sakura, pity the leaf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: Never let it be said that Naruto Uzumaki was a patient kid. As far as he's concerned - monologuing is for losers. Explaining your techniques... also for losers - and idiots. Speaking of which, ninjas are silent when they're at work, braggarts die earlier, and no one gives a fuck about your "tragic" backstory. With a lot less empathy and patience for sob stories Naruto along with the ever peculiar Team Seven is ... probably going to cause a lot of political trouble if nothing else. Pity the sitting Hokage.[Dedicated to all the scenes that should have taken five minutes but lasted for several episodes.]





	Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

It's a beautiful day in Konoha as Sasuke waits to hear his fate. He has very little hope that he's going to enjoy his team placement. Bad enough Naruto just managed to scrap through the Exam and place as dead last. But the top female in the class is either going to be that vapid blond chick with the body thieving jutsu or the shrill pink-haired chick with no useful talents. Either way Sasuke would prefer not to begin his ninja career as a teammate murdering criminal. The key word being "prefer". 

 

Eh, if nothing else he can at least ignore the pink-haired harpy drilling a hole into the side of his head with her rather intense stare. It's not hard since he's honestly a bit worried. You see, the first thing any person whose been living in Konoha for more than five minutes could tell you is that Naruto Uzumaki is the loudest motherfucker you're ever gonna meet. The second thing any person whose been living in Konoha for more than five minutes could tell you is that any time you can't hear his voice blaring is a time to be very, very, very worried.

 

And Naruto, damn the little tow-headed idiot, is sitting silent as the grave at the very front of the class. He hasn't moved or spoken since it slipped in five minutes ago. And see, that's the one thing that might make this team placement work. Because interestingly enough, while everyone knew Naruto was an impressive force when silent, nobody bothered to apply that knowledge to the idea of Naruto as a ninja. Never mind the kid managed to deface the Hokage monument in broad daylight. Or that he regularly outran chunin-level ninjas. Or that the little fucker somehow managed to dye every Hyuga clan member pink from head to toe on three separate occasions. 

 

Even with a wealth of conflicting information everyone just seemed to wave it off - everyone except Sasuke - which is the only reason he hasn't yet violent introduced his face to the desk in front of him. Although if Sakura continues to yell into his ear he might introduce her face to a desk or eight. "That loser is gonna drag down the team! Don't worry Sasuke-kun!   
I'll help keep him in line." The look on her face might possibly qualify as a smile - possibly, if by smile you mean psychotic grimace with far too many teeth. 

 

As someone who has read the ninja rules a dozen times it is still hard to justify not killing her. It's not like anyone would really miss her, right? And sure the consequences of being labeled insane or a traitor would be unpleasant, but ... It's not like he won't eventually earn those labels anyway. He has to kill that man and it's doubtful that the village is just going to go along with his quest for vengeance.  Then again the Third Hokage is a bit of a soft touch... and/or suffering a bitching case of dementia. Either way... it's too early to break with the village.

 

Huffing Sasuke takes his hand from his kunai and focuses on the idiot savant in front of him. "Hey! Yeah, you Naruto! Don't -" And suddenly the loudmouth has been replaced by a blow-up doll wearing a similar outfit. The entire room goes silent as Iruka-sensei turns a fascinating shade of red. His words are barely intelligible as he grinds his teeth while trembling with rage. "Bring her back Naruto." Even watching as closely as he is Sasuke just barely notices the apathetic shrug the blond gives. "Can't. My chakra control is much too poor. Sorry."

 

Sorry is the last thing Naruto sounds. Bored is much more accurate. As their teacher's face scrunches up into a hideous mask snickers begin to fill the room. Sasuke doesn't blame them - he's having a hard time keeping his face expressionless. Every time he thinks he has it the corners of his mouth begin to turn up again. The only person besides Iruka-sensei who seems actually upset is Ino who stomps down to stand in front of Naruto with her hands on her hips. "Bring her back or so help me -!"

 

"You'll what? Cry to daddy? Great. Maybe he could tell me what you and loudmouth were doing down pass Misty Way the other day." And just like that her red cheeks pale to yellow as her complex curdles and her eyes widen. "I don't know what you mean." Naruto cracks his neck and then yawns, "Sure, but I bet your dad might. So what were you saying before? Something about "so help me"?" The two blonds have a brief staring match and then Ino quickly stalks back up to her seat between Shikamaru and Chouji. 

 

Frowning while looking between the two children Iruka eventually shrugs and wishes them all success in the future. With no new entertainment and a new jounin-sensei notorious for being eternally late the last loyal Uchiha decides to take a nap. This, of course, is a horrible idea as proven by the fact he wakes up hanging upside down from the roof of the tower they sit in. "Howdy. So glad you could spare us some of your attention. Also before you ask - it was the creepy blond who strung you up. I am an entirely innocent party here." 

  
Kakashi - because of course his new teacher is a prankish moron - looks anything but innocent. Maybe it's the orange cover of the pornographic filth proudly displayed. Maybe it's the one eye squeezed into a happy crescent in a way that seems amazingly fake. Maybe it's the ridiculous, gravity-defying silver hair. But most likely it's the fact Naruto is no where to be seen and the asshole always loves to stick around and take credit for his idiocy. Also, the cable bounding him reeks of Kakashi's signature. "Let me down before I declare a vendetta against your filthy books."

 

Before the two can get into a pissing contest, Naruto's blond head pops over the window sill to their right. On his shoulder is a writhing bundle of rope with pink hair sticking out one side. "Good to see you two could finally make it. In the future Naruto, I would advise you think twice before randomly teleporting people elsewhere. At the very least you should have more of an idea of where your markers are." Nodding with a shrug the short boy drops his burden and then throws himself on one of the benches. The clash of his orange suit and the snot-colored bench is nauseating.

 

Cutting Sakura free with a sigh Kakashi straightens up and then cuts the cable binding Sasuke. As the two children dust themselves off the tall, lanky man takes a seat on the window sill behind him. "Alright. So... likes, dislikes, ambitions, and deep dark sexual fantasies..?" Naruto smothers giggles as a crow flies overhead cawing and a tumbleweed rolls by. Although, how it got to the top of a random tower is truly a mystery. Well that and - "Japan doesn't have tumbleweeds..." Sakura's face is deeply unamused, "Also I feel like petitioning for another sensei."

 

For a moment the older ninja pauses as though plotting a deeply unfortunate accident for a certain young kunoichi in the immediate future. But then he relaxes as his single visible eye curves up cheerfully. "I'm not a pedophile Haruno-chan, I'm just making a joke." The little girl only tilts her head as her bright green eyes widen sweetly, before narrowing as her face takes on a sardonic cast. "I never said you were, but a hit dog will always holler... sensei." Nodding to acknowledge the scored point the jounin quickly performs a movement Sasuke is going to pretend isn't that of a man adjusting his erection.

 

"Ahem, so anyway, I want your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, and Sakura-chan's number. Let's start with the pale boy." It's briefly tempting to look at Sakura considering she is both very pale and very lacking in feminine charms - but it's much more cost-effective to just glare harder. "I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I dislike you and enjoy the idea of dismembering you. I dream of the torture and subsequent staking out of a certain man as well as rebuilding my clan. I'm good at ninjutsu and taijutsu - and bad at genjutsu and emotional stability. As a note I'd like to reiterate that you are a pedophile and I want a different teacher."

 

Nodding absently as he flicks through his disgusting book of porn Kakashi hums. "Good, good - although I am actually an ephebophile who is only interested in females. While you are pretty, you have absolutely nothing to worry about from me. Also you "dream" about rebuilding your clan, huh? Guess I'm not the only pervert here. Next - creepy blond." Said blond is staring rather intently at the Hokage monument as he idly toys with a shuriken. Taking a deep breath the boy blinks and then looks over at Kakashi. 

 

"You're the hebephile - how the fuck am _I_ creepy?! But whatever!" Jumping it on bench Naruto plants one foot on the window still over it and cocks a thumb at himself.  "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, prankster at large, and I love ramen as well as shy girls with big tits! I hate the time it takes to cook ramen and flat-chested bitches! I'm the all-around best at stealth, traps, chakra intensive jutsu, and going beyond the impossible. I suck at everything else - especially planning - but it doesn't matter cause I do it with style! As for my dream? I'm going to be fucking Hokage - believe it!" 

 

Swallowing, Sasuke is relieved to hear a click, before sounds floods back into his ears. How the fuck loud can one person be? Is it a lost clan ability or something? A really horrible jutsu? The final curse of that Man? Pondering as he is Sasuke almost misses the final thing Naruto says, "As for sensei getting in Sakura's pants? I don't care as long as I get to watch." The silence would be awkward, but it's rather busy being stunned into submission. Probably.

 

"At this point Naruto is my favorite potential student. If I decide to fail this team I may have to take him on as an apprentice. But enough about that - you! Potential lover! Tell me your favorite positions, sexual kinks, allergies, and any health warnings I should know." 

 

Frowning Sasuke tries to remember the procedure for reporting ninjas for deviancy. At least until he remembers that is way too much effort to be wasting on a teammate he hates. And maybe if she's too busy trying to save her virtue from Kakashi she won't be trying to steal his. 

 

Shaking her head even as she blushes the pink-haired girl begins, "I'm Sakura Haruno, and I like cream with either strawberries or peaches. I'm also fond of dark chocolate. I dislike people who are all talk and no action as well as people who take teasing too far. I have perfect chakra control, an eidetic memory, a quick mind, fantastic imagination and amazing flexibility. Unfortunately, at this time that's all I have going for me. I mean aside from the ability to hold my breath for a long time and a complete lack of a gag reflex..." 

  
Sasuke carefully ignores the less than subtle shifting of a certain orange book to cover a certain portion of a certain jounin's anatomy. 'Pervert.' Sakura bites a lip and the old creep actually moans. "Dreams - those are personal aren't they? So yeah." It takes a moment of staring from Kakashi before he laughs and throws his hands up in surrender. "Right. I guess I owe Gai an apology. You perverts really are perfect for me - fuck the bell test. Congratulations on becoming actual genin of Konoha. You're free to go, but Sakura stay back and tell me your number."

 

Not wanting to risk his unexpected good fortune Sasuke jumps out of the nearest window and races across the rooftops toward his temporary home. One day he'll be back in his compound - one day. But not until it's safe and he's avenged his clan. And he's one step closer now - sure he's surrounded by idiots, but that's really nothing new. And honestly, if his information is correct the Chunin exams are just around the corner. He should be fine until then and then he can leave these losers in the dust.


End file.
